Q: "'Public Access?' You mean like Robin Byrd?"
A: Not exactly. Years ago [back when Robin actually looked good in that bikini], shows like Robin Byrd and Midnight Blue actually were on Public Access. But those shows have all since moved to LEASED Access, which is Channel 35. So, if you want to hear an addled fortysomething bimbo droning "lie back and get comfortable" before introducing a cockring-wearing Bolivian bodybuilder, that's where you have to go.

Leased Access is done for commercial purposes; hence the endless commercials for escort services and phone sex lines. Public Access has no commercials. Public Access is presently Channels 34, 56, 57 and 67-- though this changes frequently, as MNN gets pushed further and further up the dial.

Q: "Where do you get all the clips you show on 'Media Shower?'"
A: Many places. I am always on the lookout for weird fascinating video; where other people go to Blockbuster to rent SWINGERS, I go to search the "$3.99" cutout bins. I pick up videotapes that I find on the street. I trade videos with other collectors. And increasingly, viewers have been sending me great material that I've been showing on the air. GOT SOMETHING YOU THINK MIGHT BE APPROPRIATE FOR MEDIA SHOWER? Contact Jamie!

Q: "How many people are involved in making 'Media Shower?'
A: Jamie paused before replying to your question for comedic effect, and we're still waiting for him to come back.

Q: "Why are there so many accursed reruns?"
A: If you don't like it, make your own damn show!

Q: "How many people watch 'Media Shower?'"
A: The Nielsen people haven't returned our calls.

Q: "How many dollars have you given out?"
A: Whatever the total works out to be, if Oliveboy doesn't get one, neither do you.

Q: "Who is that woman in the opening sequence?"
A: Cleo. She likes cheese.

Q: "Why don't you show more sex?"
A: Perv.

Q: "Was the Infamous Martini Episode for real?"
A: If you have to ask...

Q: "You are annoying and your show sucks."
A: "Oh, yeah? Well, your momma dresses you funny."

Q: "How do I get on tv?"
A: Anyone who wants to get on TV can get on TV. Let me say that again: Anyone who wants to get on TV can get on TV. Manhattan Neighborhood Networks, God bless them, will give ANY Manhattan resident their own public access show.

As difficult a concept as this is for us to grasp in the opening days of the third millennium, this incredible deal is legitimate-- and it is ALL FREE [except for the cost of blank tapes]. MNN will even train you and let you use their cameras, lights, mics and editing equipment.

It is, as I often say, "the only true free lunch." I don't know why I say this, and whoever I say it to usually smiles politely and quickly moves on to another topic. But I do say it.

Q: "OK-- but there's a catch, right?"
A: Not really. I mean, the one inconvenience-- really just a formality-- is that you do have to show up at MNN headquarters once a year to have an Electronic Monitoring/ Periodic Update Chip [EMPUC] implanted in your rectum. The EMPUC system gives the MNN people a cost-effective way of locating producers at any given moment, which is important when MNN equipment has been signed out.

Also, it allows them to quickly page any producer via the Infrared Silent Vibration/Audible Klaxon system, which triggers either a wrenching vibration or a piercing alarm sound, depending on how the EMPUC is set. [Unfortunately the EMPUC cannot be reset after implantation, committing you to a year of either wrenching vibrations or piercing alarm noises emanating from deep inside your rectum. It's best to see how the coming year is shaping up before deciding which option is best for you].

Together, the EMPUC/ISVAK system makes for improved communication with fewer misunderstandings-- and that's good for everyone.